I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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