Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
