When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
