My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
