I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize