I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
