just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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