ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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