I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
