Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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