Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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