did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
