There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
