Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
