So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
