Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
try to milk me bitch
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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