Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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