Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
