My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize