Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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