ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
