i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
