I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
