I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
