HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
