my phone needs a breathalizer
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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