good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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