I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
