i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
