Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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