i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize