If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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