At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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