i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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