the condom got lost in my hair
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
