If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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