I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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