I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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