phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
