genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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