Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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