I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
