i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize