Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
