pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
