my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
