i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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