i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize