Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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