Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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