I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
