I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
