Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
