i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
