I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
