The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
