Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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