Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
