it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
