remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize