I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
