I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
