Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
