just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
